For the Newcomer | S.L.A.A. Los Angeles

How do I know if I’m a Sex and Love Addict?

Only you can answer that question. Feel free to check out the 40 Questions for Self Diagnosis. If you answer "yes" to any one of them, this program could be helpful to you. You might also take a look at the "Twelve Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction" and see if any of those apply to you. If you *think* you may have a problem, we invite you to come to meetings, and read literature to learn more.

What’s the difference between S.L.A.A. and S.A. or S.A.A.?
We are all Twelve Step programs focusing on sexual addiction. S.L.A.A. also includes solutions for "emotional" addictions, and offers suggestions for developing healthier relationships. Other “S” programs also may have different membership requirements and "bottom line" definitions.

What are S.L.A.A. meetings like?
Our meetings are an opportunity for members to relate their stories about recovery from sex and love addiction. Members identify themselves by first name only and will share their experience, strength, and hope. Our stories disclose what we were like, what happened to change us, and what we are like now. Meetings may have different formats, relating to Step Study, Newcomer, Speaker, Getting Current, etc. Meetings may be closed (for identified sex and love addicts only) or open to all persons. Meetings are generally one and a half hours long unless otherwise specified.

How much does it cost to attend meetings?
There are no dues or fees for S.L.A.A. membership, according to Tradition Seven. Typically, an offering basket is passed for voluntary contributions at meetings to help cover the cost of rent and literature. A $1 or $2 donation is customary but not mandatory.

Do I have to speak at a meeting?
No, you don't have to. You may be asked your first name, and maybe just to identify yourself as a newcomer. Otherwise, you don’t have to do anything except listen, unless you want to share when the time comes either for general or newcomer sharing.

Are there meetings for people that are married to Sex and Love addicts? (Or living with, sibling of, parents of, etc.)
Yes, there are three groups that have information for people whose lives are affected by sex and love addicts — S-Anon, COSA and CO-SLAA. You can find more information about them in the Related 12 Step Programs link on the Fellowship-Wide Services (F.W.S.) website.

I don’t believe in God. Can I still go to meetings?

Yes, you are not required to believe in God to attend meetings. The program is spiritual in nature and includes the belief in a Higher Power, but it is not affiliated with any religion, sect, or denomination. Your concept of a Higher Power can be whatever you choose it to be. Some use the group itself as something more powerful than themselves.

How can I find a meeting in my area?
All the meetings we have in the Los Angeles area are listed on our Current Meetings Page. A printed copy of the schedule can be downloaded there or obtained at any of the meetings you go to in The Bottom Line newsletter. If you do not see any meetings near you on our schedule, you might check neighboring counties closer to where you live.

What if there are no meetings near me?
On the S.L.A.A. National website, Fellowship Wide Services (F.W.S.) you will find information about online meetings, telephone meetings, recordings of speaker meetings, and how to start your own new meeting.

Who attends S.L.A.A. meetings? What kind of people?
People who have a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. This addiction can take many forms, and affect all different kinds of people. It can include, but is not limited to, a compulsive need for sex, extreme dependency on one person (or many), and/or a chronic preoccupation with romance, intrigue,and fantasy. Sex and love addiction may also take the form of "anorexia", a compulsive avoidance of giving or receiving social, sexual, or emotional nourishment. We are united in a common focus: dealing with our addictive sexual and emotional behavior which renders any personal differences of sexual or gender orientation irrelevant.

I went to a meeting once and no one was there. Why?
If there is no one in attendance, it may be that the meeting has temporarily moved or been disbanded. Please contact us at (323) 957-4881 or email us at info(at)slaalosangeles.org to notify us about it so that we can make any necessary changes.

How do I get a sponsor?
It is recommended that you attend meetings regularly and listen attentively to those members who share and who do service at your meetings. If there is someone with whom you share a common story, you respect their level of recovery, or you think this person can be helpful to you in recovery, simply approach this person and ask him or her to be your sponsor. It is recommended that you do not choose a person of the same gender to which you are attracted to sponsor you.

What does it mean if the meeting is "closed"? Can I go to a closed meeting?
If the meeting says "closed" or has a C next to it in the listing, that means the meeting is only for sex and love addicts, including newcomers who think they might be. If you feel you are a sex and love addict, or think you may have a problem with sex addiction, love addiction, romantic obsession, codependent relationships, fantasy addiction and/or avoiding sexual, social and emotional contact, you can go to a closed meeting. However, if you only want to go to get some information about S.L.A.A., or you are curious about the program because you think your partner, friend, relative or patient may benefit from it, please attend an open (O) meeting instead.

If I've never been to S.L.A.A. before, do I have to go to a newcomers meeting before I go to any other ones?
No, you are welcome to go to any meeting. It is a good idea to attend a newcomer’s meeting if you are new to S.L.A.A., especially if you have never been to a 12 step meeting before of any kind. Newcomer’s meetings are designed to give special attention to people who are new to the program, and often designate a few extra minutes for them to introduce themselves and share their story if they desire to do so. All S.L.A.A. meetings will have newcomer’s pamphlets, literature, brochures and the S.L.A.A. book available.

Are there local meetings with American Sign Language interpreters?

Not currently. To make this happen, there are several approaches including,

1) Request your home group meeting to start an ASL basket aside from its own 7th tradition basket, so that the meeting may eventually become self-supporting to provide this accommodation regularly.

2) Email treasurer@slaalosangeles.org and inquire about the status of the SLAA Los Angeles intergroup's current ASL fund. Ask about the Chief Financial Officer and Treasurer's current protocol on how to financially provide support for ASL interpreting services towards (a) SLAA Los Angeles intergroup meetings, (b) at least 6 different local group meetings (in-person and/or virtual) that are not yet self-supporting in an equitable and timely manner with their own ASL basket, and (c) workshops endorsed by SLAA Los Angeles intergroup.

3) Attend SLAA Los Angeles intergroup meetings on 2nd Sundays and consider starting an accessibility committee. Once there would be an established accessibility committee of at least two people, then write an annual proposal for budget spending for ASL interpreting services (ask first if there is an existing form to fill out) and submit the proposal to both treasurer@slaalosangeles.org and secretary@slaalosangeles.org.

Many different terms are used during S.L.A.A. meetings. While these may be used differently in various S.L.A.A. groups, we will attempt to define a few of the terms commonly used in S.L.A.A.:

Abstinence: A change in our behavior that involves stopping the addictive pattern – one day, sometimes one minute – at a time. Abstinence is a beginning point in sobriety.

Acting Out: To engage in addictive behavior. Engaging in a behavior which is considered to be one’s "Bottom-line" is often referred to as "having a slip."

Anorexia: The compulsive avoidance of giving or receiving social, sexual, or emotional nourishment.

Bottom-Lines: Generally self-defined behaviors or activities which we refrain from in order to experience our physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual wholeness.

Boundaries: Self-defined, self-protective limits we use for interaction with persons, places, things, or activities.

Cross-talk: Sometimes known as “feedback”. To respond directly or indirectly to what someone has shared in a meeting; for example, to offer someone your opinions on his or her problems, or to engage in dialogue during the meeting. (Note: most meetings discourage "cross-talk" because it can disturb the flow of a meeting.)

Group Conscience: A process of decision-making by the group. S.L.A.A. encourages all members to express their views.

Inventory or “Moral” Inventory: A list of qualities within a person, both positive and negative, discovered through self-examination.

To take someone else’s inventory: to judge another person’s life or sobriety.

Isolation: To withdraw from the help and healing process of others, program support, or our Higher Power. Isolation often leads to or accompanies a slip. For anorectic members, isolation may also be a form of acting out.

S.L.A.A. Member: Any S.L.A.A. participant who has a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction.

Sobriety: A state of abstinence from addictive bottom-line behaviors; often accompanied by the return of sanity, choice, and personal dignity.

Sobriety Date: Generally, the date we stop engaging in our bottom-line behaviors.

Sponsor: A person who works closely with another member to provide individual support and guidance in applying the S.L.A.A. Twelve Step/Twelve Tradition program. A sponsor should be a person we are not in danger of acting out with, nor are likely to find intrigue with.

Top-Lines: Generally self-defined behaviors or activities that we practice in order to experience our physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual wellbeing.

Trigger: A person, place, thing, or environment that sets off an urge to act out.

Withdrawal: The physical, mental, emotional, and often spiritual upheaval which generally accompanies the break in our addictive pattern.

13th-Stepping: Manipulating another person in recovery, especially a newcomer, into a sexual, emotional, or romantic relationship.

S.L.A.A. members highly value our tradition of anonymity. Group conscience determines whether a meeting shall be open or closed.

In general, the following guidelines are used:

Open Meeting: A meeting open to anyone who wants to find out more about recovery from sex and love addiction.

Closed Meeting: A meeting only open to those having a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction; those who believe they personally may have some of these issues and want to learn more.

Sponsorship

A sponsor is a person who gives us individual support and guidance in applying the S.L.A.A. Twelve Step Program of recovery to our lives. A sponsor is neither a parent, therapist, nor confessor. Accordingly, a sponsor is a person with whom we have no ulterior motive, whom we do not pay, and from whom we seek neither absolution nor judgment. Our sponsor is, in fact, a fellow addict, and as such, does not counsel from a pretense of higher moral ground - sponsors are not “perfect” people working “perfect” programs. Sponsors share their experience with the Steps, to help shine a light on the path for your recovery.

How to select a sponsor

A sponsor ideally has solid abstinence from his/her addictive patterns and is willing and available to guide the sponsee through the Twelve Steps. We look for someone who understands the process of S.L.A.A. recovery. A prospective sponsor’s time in the Program, i.e., months or years, is only one of the criteria that can be used to select a sponsor. We attend a variety of meetings in order to identify certain individuals in the Fellowship whom we come to know and respect.

Criteria that some of us have used to select a sponsor include:

Has this person worked the Steps?
Does he/she also have a sponsor to hold themselves accountable?
Does this person’s level of spirituality complement mine?
Does he/she go to meetings; have a home group?
Am I comfortable with this person?
Is he/she confidential and trustworthy?
Does he/she listen attentively to me?
Will this person be honest with me and point out my areas of denial?
Is he/she willing to work with my “bottom line” issues?
Can this person discuss his/her own experience rather than give advice?
Makes suggestions, not rules/requirements/mandates?
Minimizes conversations about outside issues?
How much time can he/she give me on the phone? In person?
Do our schedules fit in well?

We are reassured when the person we choose for guidance is seeking guidance as well. A sponsor should be a person we are not in danger of acting out with, or find intrigue with. A potential sexual partner as sponsor would interfere with the primary purpose of the sponsor relationship, which is recovery through the program of S.L.A.A. Sometimes this means that the sponsor and sponsee should be of the same sex: sometimes of the opposite sex. Discretion, common sense, and our Higher Power can guide us in our selection process.

Sometimes a person we ask to be our sponsor declines. Although disappointed, we need to remember that this is not a personal rejection. Rather, this person may simply be unavailable to us at this time for any number of reasons. Our Higher Power is taking an active role in forming this relationship, and requires only that we continue to pray for guidance, “do the footwork” and ask another.

The beginning of the sponsor/sponsee relationship

Once we have obtained a sponsor, we commit ourselves to maintaining regular contact with that person. The frequency of contact is determined jointly by the sponsor and sponsee – as each becomes familiar with our individual needs and boundaries.

Recovery rarely is accomplished in isolation. When we incorporate the experience of others into our lives, we begin to experience a broader view of life and recovery. With our S.L.A.A. sponsor, we learn to become honest and open, asking for love, support, and guidance in our lives. Through the patience and understanding of our sponsor, our fears of condemnation and shame slowly fade. Gradually we become more able to be vulnerable and open with our sponsor, allowing us to more fully benefit from another's help. A sponsor shares his or her own experience and feelings from having been in situations similar to ours, taking care not to give advice. By listening, a sponsor supports the sponsee without trying to “fix”, and offers understanding without judgment.

Bottom Line Behaviors

"Bottom-lines" are self-defined activities which we refrain from in order to experience our physical, mental, emotional, sexual and spiritual wholeness. Recovery begins by admitting that following our addictive path is making our lives unmanageable and we are powerless to stop. Each person in S.L.A.A. acts out differently. Therefore, our bottom lines are self-defined, and may vary from person to person. It is up to each one of us, with the help of our Higher Power, our sponsor, and others, to learn to recognize our addictive patterns. We can then set "Bottom Lines", or the behaviors which we refrain from in order to stay sober.

It is strongly suggested that you get the help of your sponsor or another trusted S.L.A.A. member when setting or changing your "Bottom Lines".

Here are some examples of possible Bottom-line behaviors:

Having sex with someone who is married or in another relationship
Pursuing a new relationship before ending an existing one
Having sex outside of a committed, monogamous relationship
Following someone home uninvited
Doing anything that could reasonably get me arrested
Lying to my spouse
Having anonymous sex
Going to strip clubs and peepshows
Having unprotected sex
Having sex when I don’t want to
Breaking a boundary of "no contact"
Pursuing inappropriate or unavailable people
Compulsively avoiding sex in a committed, long-term relationship
Not entering or leaving a relationship without consulting my Higher Power and trusted advisers

©2006 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc.
Excerpt from Setting Bottom Lines: A Pamphlet with Worksheets

Top Line Behaviors

"Top Lines" are healthy behaviors and activities we replace for our old unhealthy patterns. We can't get sober and simply stop our destructive behavior in a vacuum. We can take creative actions, and prove we are capable of making healthy choices. It can start with small additions to our daily routine.

Here are some examples of possible top-line behaviors:

Buying healthy food that I like
Getting enough rest
Exercising
Making three outreach calls each day
Making dates with people I care about (friends, sisters, nephews, parents, visit grandparents)
Going to meetings regularly
Meditating
Getting a regular massage
Praying
Reading program literature
Volunteering for service, program and otherwise
Going out dancing
Doing something creative that fills me with joy

"In maintaining my sobriety, I find it more useful to keep in mind what I call my top line rather than my bottom line. My top line is what I do want for myself, my program goals. I want to integrate myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; to relate to others from a state of wholeness; to live making decisions from a place of freedom and clarity rather than compulsion and confusion; to feel sufficiently safe to stay open enough to find the little realities of life moving, rather than needing to get dropped off a cliff to get a thrill. I want to be present, see things the way they are, and be glad to be alive. These things are beginning to happen for me."

©1986 Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous p. 270

Withdrawal

A primary and critical step in beginning recovery from sex and love addiction is identifying our Bottom Line behaviors – those activities from which we must refrain in order to attain physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wholeness. A change in our behavior – stopping the addictive pattern – one day at a time, marks the beginning of abstinence from compulsive and destructive acting out.

The physical, mental, emotional, and often spiritual upheaval which generally accompanies the release of our addictive pattern is called "withdrawal". Whether our craving is for sex, romance, or relationships, whether this craving is constant or periodic, not satisfying such a craving often comes as a shock to our system. The word "withdrawal" typically conjures up an image of substance abusers who are dependent upon their “drug of choice” to alter moods and/or escape from the present moment. Like drugs, sex and love addiction can become all-consuming, pushing us toward greater and greater risk to our physical health, our emotional well-being, our sanity, our very life itself.

Times of withdrawal can be uncomfortable for many of us. Our bodies go through unexpected physical changes; our emotions hit highs and lows we never imagined possible. We feel, perhaps for the first time ever, the void which we had previously sought to fill with our addiction(s).

The Experience of Withdrawal

Abstinence from acting out on bottom line behaviors opens us to the vulnerability we have been desperately seeking to avoid. This vulnerability is experienced differently by each of us. The resulting withdrawal is sometimes recognized first by its symptoms:

a craving to act out
inexplicable aches and pains
physical illness or exhaustion
switch to a new addiction(s)
changes in eating or sleeping patterns
general self doubt
desperation and fear
suicidal thoughts
desire to isolate
obsessive thinking
sadness, depression, or despair
dreams of acting out
emotional highs and lows
irritability, anger, or rage
preoccupation with fantasy
confusion or trouble concentrating
questioning of our interest in S.L.A.A. or recovery

If we aren’t acting out, then what are we to do?

Sometimes, we just breathe. It may be all we can do, for the moment. Reciting the Serenity Prayer has helped many of us pass that critical moment when we are tempted by our addiction. A phone call to a sponsor or other program member can help, as can reading an S.L.A.A. pamphlet, or Chapter Five of the basic text, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, where the experience of withdrawal is discussed in depth. Reflecting on the Twelve Steps can help us bring the focus back to the solution, instead of being stuck in the problem.

We found that the most healing antidote to the gnawing pain of our struggles and doubts was to turn over any questions concerning the outcome of our withdrawal to God, or to whatever Higher Power we felt was helping us to abstain from our old patterns.

Suggestions to help with "Withdrawal:

Attend S.L.A.A. Meetings often.
Don’t act out – just for today, this hour, this moment – no matter what! IT WILL PASS.
Call a program friend or your Sponsor on a daily basis.
Ask for help.
Set aside a time of prayer each morning and ask “Help me to stay away from ________ for today.”
Set aside a time of thanks each morning or night.
Start a meditation practice.
Take special care of yourself: exercise, drink water, eat healthy food, get enough rest, find things you enjoy doing.

You might be thinking, “No Way! It’s not worth it!” But the truth is, it is worth it. YOU are worth it! And you are not alone.

Define your Bottom-Line behavior.

Bottom-Line behavior is defined as any sexual or emotional act which, once engaged in, leads to loss of control over the rate, frequency or duration of its recurrence, and results in worsening self-destructive consequences. Each person defines his/her own bottom-line behavior. Staying away from this behavior defines your sobriety. Start now, today. Don't wait for the perfect definition of bottom-line behavior. With the help of your sponsor and others in S.L.A.A. you can amend it later, if necessary, as you become more aware of what your acting-out pattern has been, and what consequences have resulted.

Don’t act out!

Just for today, this hour, this moment - no matter what! Instead take care of yourself: make a phone call, talk with your sponsor, another member of the fellowship, attend a meeting, rest, exercise, read program literature, journal your feelings, say a prayer or meditate. You are worth it. IT WILL PASS.

Don’t act out!

Ask for help on a daily basis.

If you haven't yet "come to believe" in a Power greater than yourself, then ACT AS IF:

Set aside a time of prayer each morning and ask "Help me stay away from _______ for today."
Set aside a time of thanks each night and express gratitude for the help received by saying "Thank you"

Attend S.L.A.A. meetings regularly.

If you believe sex and love addiction may be an issue in your life and you are ready to do something about it, the next step is to go to a meeting. By giving and receiving support from others like us, we not only have a better chance of recovering, we also begin to learn how to engage with people in a non-addictive way.

Join a group.

Many of us go to a lot of meetings, and feel we can share at each meeting. But eventually we find it important to officially "join" one group where we have a commitment to attend, and will be missed if we don't show up. Get active in your group - we round out our recovery when we make a commitment and become more involved with the program on a more personal basis.

Call S.L.A.A. members daily for support.
Talk to members after the meeting and write down phone numbers. Or get a copy of the meeting's phone list. Reach out, don’t isolate. Your call also helps other members carry the message and stay sober!

Get a Sponsor.
Talk to your Sponsor or another S.L.A.A. person on a daily basis for your withdrawal period. We are as "sick as our secrets" and when we share our feelings, hopes, thoughts, fears, behaviors and discouragement with another person, we are diffusing the power that addiction has over us; we are bringing light to the many ways that we are sick and only then can we patiently, persistently work on these distorted thoughts and emotions. - from "Suggestions for Newcomers"

Sponsors help you define your "Bottom-lines" and work the Steps. Suggestions for finding a sponsor:

Attend meetings and listen for members whose shares resonate with you. Ask them if they are available to meet, to consider being a sponsor or to help you get started, even temporarily.
Read the Sponsorship pamphlet and answer the questions.
Join the Sponsorship Committee phone meeting
Contact the Conference Sponsorship Committee for support.

Read S.L.A.A. literature.

You will gain insight, understanding, tips and tools through program literature. Books, pamphlets and recordings can be purchased from most meetings, or online from the F.W.S. website.

S.L.A.A. Basic Text:

This book contains information about discovering the illness, beginning recovery, defining sobriety, and the Twelve Steps of S.L.A.A. It includes personal stories of others who have gone from addiction to recovery. A copies can be purchased at most meetings.

Pamphlets can be ordered from S.L.A.A. Fellowship-wide Services: These can be of great help in learning more about a specific topic in the program:
- Welcome
- An Introduction to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
- Suggestions for Newcomers
- Questions Beginners Ask
- Romantic Obsession
- and more

Subscribe to The Journal, S.L.A.A.’s “meeting in print”: Personal stories and writings on recovery topics. Some meetings read stories as topics for sharing. Visit the Journal page for more information.

Prayer and Meditation Practice.

A good place to start is The Serenity Prayer – “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Be of service: Service helps you stay sober.

Above all KEEP COMING BACK!

– It works if you work it and you’re worth it.

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La siguiente información describe los conocimientos y la comprensión básicos que muchos miembros utilizan para recuperarse de la adicción al sexo y al amor. Cada pestaña aborda diferentes aspectos del programa que probablemente escuche mencionar en reuniones o con otros miembros.

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